An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked 

when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her 

at any time. 

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex 

again - the strain would be too much. 

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. 

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better 

sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. 

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other 

on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 

"I was about to commit suicide." 

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming 

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father

and said solemnly, 

"Baptism is a serious step.  

Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.  

"My wife has made appetizers and we have a 

caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our 

guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded.  "I mean, are you prepared

spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply.  "I've got a keg of beer and a case of 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.  

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'  

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'.

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my 

secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an 

agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. 

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 

a week."

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
werea trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. 
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help. 
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag. 

 A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
 be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
 languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
 negative. 

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
 form a negative."
 A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

• 10 He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
• 9 She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
• 8 He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
• 7 He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
• 6 On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."
• 5 He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
• 4 Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'
• 3 He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
• 2 He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• Number 1 He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.