Funny Videos / Idiot Of The Year

Jokes / "Mafioso"

Little Mario comes back from the school crying.
- Mum, everybody in the school calls me "mafioso".
- Don’t worry, my son. Tomorrow I will go to see the principal.
- Thank you mum. Please make it look like an accident.

Jokes / Black and White

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

Jokes / Chasing Elephants?

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

Jokes / Dead Bird

Pamela and Tommy Lee were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Tommy says, "Aww, Pamela, look at the dead birdie."
 Pamela looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

Jokes / Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

Jokes / Poisonous Mushrooms

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"Well, he ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Jokes / "Can I Help You?"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to connect your phone.''

Jokes / Only One Chair?

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Jokes / "You Can Paint My Porch"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Jokes / Big Relief

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Jokes / "What Is This Father?"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

Jokes / Making A Bet

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Jokes / Arriving Home

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good person and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Jokes / The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very glad, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a hug."

Jokes / "They've stolen my car"

While walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand.
‘They’ve stolen my car,’ the drunk shouts. ‘It was right here earlier on the end of this key.’
‘More importantly, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘Do you know your p*nis is hanging out?’
‘Oh my God,’ wails the drunk. ‘They’ve got my girlfriend as well.’

Jokes / E-mail

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "No I do not!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

Jokes / Spell

One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!
"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" said the priest.
"One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead!
"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"

Jokes / Me too

A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
Clerk, "me too..."

Jokes / "There are no fish here..."

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

Jokes / Now what?

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, 
"And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Jokes / Atoms

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...

Jokes / Personal opinion

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

Jokes / Rolling down a hill

What goes black white black white.........?
A penguin rolling down a hill!

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin who pushed him!

Jokes / Hard Task

These 2 tribes had been fighting on and on for years and the losing
tribes's leader at the end of the war would have to submit himself
to the winning side and be killed.

Well, after one particularly bloody battle, the losing sides leader
went to the winners and when he arrived they told him they were
changing the rules around.

Okay, they said, this is what you have to do. They told him first
he had to swim across an alligator infested lake. After that go
into a certain cave where there lay a lion with an abcessed tooth,
and pull that tooth. After that go to the top of a huge castle
where there was a virgin girl and fix that.

After luckily swimming across that lake where half of his clothes
were torn to shreads, he jetted into the cave and after an hour of
roars, screams, hair flying out of the cave, the man walked out and
said, "Ok, now where is that girl with the abcessed tooth?"

Jokes / A father of...

A father of 3 teen-aged daughters answered the doorbell, and a young
man was standing there. "Yes?" said the father.

The young man said, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I've come to pick up
Betty; we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?" "Sure," said
the proud pop.

A few minutes later, father answered the door a second time. The
young man, standing there with a box of candy, said, "Hi, my name is
Joe, I've come to pick up Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready
to go?" "Sure," said Pop.

Settling back in the easy chair, the doorbell rang a third time. On
answering the door, the young man standing there began, "Hi, my name
is Chuck..." "Get the hell outta here!" pop yelled.

Jokes / Impossible wish

A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp.
When he brushed it off, a genie popped out and said, "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied, "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said, "Well....then I want to understand women....?"
The genie thought for a minute then said, "Can I see that map again..?"

Jokes / Blonde

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:
"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

Jokes / "Ok, now what?"

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Jokes / Special ...

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.
So I said, "Gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."

Jokes / My Wife Is From Canada

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.
"Oh, really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Jokes / Happy Birthday!

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say," Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss! Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally go. Instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

Jokes / FBI Agent

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes. Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No f-in' way. *Click*

Jokes / Free...Cop Abuse

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket so I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started.  Writing another ticket for worn tires!
I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote but I didn't care. My car was parked... around the corner.

Jokes / Cheap airplane flight

John was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for $5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, can't afford it," replied John.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be $10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare John.
Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said John  "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell out!"

Jokes / Where's the car?

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

Jokes / Golf Lessons

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Jokes / Superbowl

     Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
   Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
   in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
   Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
   quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
   50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
   the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
   As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
    "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
   The man said "no".
   Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
     man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
     have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
     The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
    supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
    Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
   "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
     to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
   "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Jokes / I should warn you

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking." 

Jokes / Confession time

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

Jokes / "Guess which one is SHE"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch.
He then says, "Okay, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing!  You're right. How did you know?

The mother replies, "I don't like her..."

Jokes / LOST

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week.
Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant.
"Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week."
"Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman.
"No," said the American.
"Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

Jokes / St. Patrick

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in.
The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..."
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"
The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."
So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"
So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
The 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"
So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was  an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."

Jokes / An embarrassing moment

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'

Jokes / Your wife fell

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?"
Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Jokes / "Ticket, Please!"

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. 
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. 
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. 

Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Jokes / Echo

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good God !" he said startled. "Youve got the biggest cavity Ive ever seen - the biggest cavity Ive ever seen." "OK Doc !" replied the patient. "Im scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didnt !" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

Jokes / Thank You

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, Thank you. "

Jokes / Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "shes my mistress." "Well, thats the last straw," says the wife. "Ive had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Whos that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "Thats his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Jokes / "Would you like to dance?"

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!"

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

Jokes / How to impress a woman/man

 How to impress a woman:
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. 
How to impress a man:  Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

Jokes / "That's Once"

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Jokes / Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Jokes / "Don't rightly know son."

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Jokes / Tech Support

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Jokes / Got Mail ?

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

Jokes / Problem Solved

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Jokes / Quality Help

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Jokes / Giddy-Up

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Jokes / What's the problem?

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Jokes / Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Jokes / That's My New Boyfriend

 One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would
he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Jokes / So would I

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice
“Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”

Jokes / And there

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

Jokes / Stake

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over
the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
smallest steaks they’d ever seen.
“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
“Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?”
“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the

Jokes / Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Jokes / Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Jokes / Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " What???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $250 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but Ok if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to Hold this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!"

Jokes / Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Jokes / Competition

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, 

"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Jokes / Letter to my computer addicted husband

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Jokes / Software Development Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Jokes / Dumb Packaging Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
 through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
 consumer goods.
 1. On Sears hairdryer:
    "Do not use while sleeping."
    (Gee, that's the only time You have to work on your hair)
 2. On a bag of Fritos:
    "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
    (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
 3. On a bar of Dial soap:
    "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (And that would be how. . . ?)
 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
    (But it's *just* a suggestion)
 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
    "Do not turn upside down."
    (Oops, too late!)
 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating."
    (As night follows the day . . . .)
 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
     if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
     those forklifts.)
 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (One would hope)
 10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
     "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (As opposed to what?)
 11. On a Japanese food processor:
     "Not to be used for the other use."
    (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
     "Warning: Contains nuts."
 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
     "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
     and theeen..?
 14. On a child's Superman costume:
     "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
     ( Don't blame the company, blame the parents for this one.)
 15. On a Swedish chain saw:
     "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
     (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
     "Do not use on food."
     (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the
 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
     "If swallowed contact poison control."
     (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from
      swallowing a little toothpaste?)
 18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
     "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
     (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)

Jokes / Another Men and Women differences

Women's English
 Yes = No
 No = Yes
 Maybe = No
 I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
 We need = I want
 It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
 We need to talk = I need to complain
 Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
 I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
 Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
 This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
 I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture,
                       and wallpaper
 Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
 I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
 Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
 How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
                            going to like
 I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
                             game on TV
 Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
 You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
 I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
 Men's English
 I'm hungry = I'm hungry
 I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
 I'm tired = I'm tired
 Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex
                                with you
 Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex
                                with you
 Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
 May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
 Nice dress! = Nice tits!
 You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
 What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
 I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
 I love you = Let's have sex now
 I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
 Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd
                                         better have sex now!
 Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
              deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
              with me
 Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
                      with other guys
 (While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress
                                            and let's go home and
                                            have sex!"

Jokes / Some..side effects...

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
 had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. 
 She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was
 "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped,
 but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started
 growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." 
 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly
 normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair
 "On my balls." 

Jokes / There's something wrong

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the 
 desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
 "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
 The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
 into a crowded office and say things like that."
 "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. 
 "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
 outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
 your 'ear' or whatever."
 The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
 receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
 "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
 The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your 
 ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

Jokes / What are you staring?

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man "What are you staring at?"

"Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and f*cked a parrot.

I was wondering if you were my son."

Jokes / Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day

he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?

It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge"?

"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?

"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?

"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?

"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?

"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?

"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?

"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Jokes / Thank You Honey

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Jokes / "Same.."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

Jokes / You Are Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Jokes / Fruit Thieves

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

Jokes / Enemy on the horizon

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

Jokes / Five reasons computers are female

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

See also Five reasons computers are male

Jokes / Five reasons computers are male

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

See also Five reasons computers are female

Jokes / Password Rejected

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis".
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Jokes / Headache?

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
    zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
    sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
    front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
    the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
    his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
    in the sheer dress.
    The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
    poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
    flirt w/the ape.
    She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
    would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
    straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
    to tear the bars down.
    The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
    thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
    Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
    door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
    you have a headache."

Jokes / The Bear Family

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
    waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
    the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
    "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
    Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
    into his big bowl. It is also empty!
    "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
    Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
    and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
    this? I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"

Jokes / Escape

A wild rabbit got caught and was taken to a laboratory. While he was
    in there he befriended a rabbit who had been in the lab since the day
    he was born.
    Anyway, one evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been
    properly closed, and decided to make a break for freedom. He asked the
    lab rabbit if he would like to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as
    he had never been outside the lab. However, the wild rabbit finally
    convinced him to give it a try.
    Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number
    three best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.
    After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
    you the number two best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field
    full of carrots.
    After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
    you the number one best field." and took the lab rabbit to a warren
    full of female bunnies. It was heaven, non-stop bonking most of the
    As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would
    have to be getting back to the lab.
    "Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number three best
    field with the lettuce, the number two best field with the carrots,
    and the number one best field with the bonking. Why do you want to go
    back to the lab?"
    The lab rabbit replied "I can't help it - I'm dying for a cigarette!"

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