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Jokes / Funny polar bear jokes

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***


One day a baby polar bear step in front his mother with a confused expression on his face and says, "Mom? Am I a polar bear?"
"Well of course my dear!"
The baby polar bear replied, "Are u sure I'm not a panda bear or a black bear?"
"Sure you’re not. Now run outside and play."
But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.
And asks, "Dad, ehm..am I a polar bear?"
"Sure you are son!" the papa polar bear gruffly replies.
The baby polar bear continues, "I don't have any grizzly bear or Koala bear in my bloodlines?"
"Nope son. I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, and you too are one 100% purebred polar bear!! Why in the world do you ask?"
"Cause I'm freezing my BUTT off!!"


*** 

Why do bears have fur coats ?
Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo ?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema !

What kind of money do polar bears use ?
Ice lolly !

How do you start a teddy bear race ?
Ready, teddy, go !

 

 ***

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a Gin ............................. and tonic please".

The barman asks "What's with the big pause?"

To which the bear replies "I don't know, I've always had them".




Jokes / "Jump, frog, jump!"

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A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog jumped across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."

Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."

Jokes / Little Red Riding Hood

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"


Jokes / Offensive parrot

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A bloke was about to bring his new girlfriend home, so he warned his parrot not to say any offensive remarks; the parrot had a tendency to verbally abuse anyone who came into the house. The next night the guy walked in with his new girlfriend, 
and the parrot instantly began to insult her: "Who's a fat cow, then? Who's been hit by a truck, then?"
The next day the infuriated man decided to shove the parrot in the freezer to teach it a lesson. 

About two minutes later the parrot calls out, "I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry." The man feels a bit guilty and decides to let the parrot back out.

For the next couple of months he doesn't hear so much as a squeak out of the parrot. He can't believe how successful his freezer trick turned out to be. 
But finally one night the parrot got up enough courage to talk again. "Excuse me, please," the parrot said very cautiously, "but what exactly did the chicken do?"

Jokes / Three Mice sitting at a bar

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, `When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.`

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, `Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.`

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, `I don`t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.`

Jokes / Was waiting for the right time

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A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can`t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, `This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky.`

`Yeah,` the dog says, `we`re really screwed.`

`Sparky,` the girl says, astonished, `I didn`t know you could talk.`

`Well,` the dog says, `I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you.`

Jokes / A Horny Bastard

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Rick`s first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, `What animal is this?`

`A cat!` said Suzanne.

`Good job! Now, what`s this animal?`

`A dog!` said Paul.

`Good! Now what animal is this?` she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, `It`s what your mom calls your dad.`

`A horny bastard!` called out Rick.

Jokes / Incredible

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A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said- "Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" Exclaimed the man. I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!
No, no, pleaded the dog. Please don’t! If he finds out i can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!

Jokes / Funny quotes about dogs

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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
-- Unknown
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
-- Holbrook Jackson
It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
-- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. 
-- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. 
-- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. 
-- Rita Rudner

Jokes / Funny quotes about cats

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham Lincoln
Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- Anon
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- Anon
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead
Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette Midler
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson
One cat just leads to another. -- Ernest Hemingway
The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron. -- George Will
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. --  Hippolyte Taine
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -- Jeff Valdez
A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? -- Mark Twain
A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. -- Mark Twain
Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain
That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. -- Mark Twain
You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.  -- Mark Twain
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  -- Mary Bly
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -- Michael de Montaigne
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick
If cats could talk, they wouldn't. -- Nan Porter
Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. -- Robertson Davies
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker

Jokes / Wild Monkey

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A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 
"Wow, this is great," he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.
"What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. 
"You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.
" This he couldn't resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. 
"Why? We thought you liked it here." 
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Jokes / "How do you identify bear droppings?"

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In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory:
"Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.
" To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

Jokes / Tourists

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A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. 
After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. 
The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

Jokes / "Whatever they want"

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There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
"What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: 
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Jokes / Boss

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

Jokes / Personal opinion

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A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

Jokes / Rolling down a hill

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What goes black white black white.........?
A penguin rolling down a hill!

What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!

Jokes / Competition

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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, 

"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Jokes / The Bear Family

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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
    waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
    the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
    
    "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
    
    Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
    into his big bowl. It is also empty!
    
    "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
    
    Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
    and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
    this? I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"

Jokes / Escape

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A wild rabbit got caught and was taken to a laboratory. While he was
    in there he befriended a rabbit who had been in the lab since the day
    he was born.
    
    Anyway, one evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been
    properly closed, and decided to make a break for freedom. He asked the
    lab rabbit if he would like to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as
    he had never been outside the lab. However, the wild rabbit finally
    convinced him to give it a try.
    
    Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number
    three best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.
    
    After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
    you the number two best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field
    full of carrots.
    
    After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
    you the number one best field." and took the lab rabbit to a warren
    full of female bunnies. It was heaven, non-stop bonking most of the
    evening.
    
    As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would
    have to be getting back to the lab.
    
    "Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number three best
    field with the lettuce, the number two best field with the carrots,
    and the number one best field with the bonking. Why do you want to go
    back to the lab?"
    
    The lab rabbit replied "I can't help it - I'm dying for a cigarette!"

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